Hello, my name is Karin, and I am a “virus.”
Okay, so not really or I probably wouldn’t be in the ADL program at all. But I had a rough day today and it all comes back to crucial conversations and self-differentiated leadership.
You see, I share an office with 7 other people. It can be really tough to complete thought work when you’re in an office with so many people, but usually, I manage pretty well. Except for today. Today I had forgotten to take my special “focus assistance” medicine and I noticed. Anyway, I had a meeting in another office from 9-11 am. When I got back to my office, one of my teammates was on a Zoom call. I was talking in a normal voice, and another teammate quickly and politely let me know to keep it down. “Sure!” I whispered happily.
Fast-forward – When she got off of her call, the whole team started to be loud and boisterous. “I’m glad you’re off your call, we can finally talk!” a particularly fun teammate said, and they began to carry on about non-work topics.
Meanwhile, I was trying to work and focus.
First, I tried to turn up my earbuds. Nope – couldn’t focus. Then, I tried huffing and puffing passive-aggressively to remind my teammates that I was still trying to focus. No dice. Finally, I mumbled about not being able to focus and stormed out of the office. I met another teammate outside and immediately started to vent.
“Everyone will be quiet for Jennifer, but not for me!”
Self-Differentiated Leadership
I acted like a “virus” – that is, I tried to infect an uninvolved teammate with my anxiety (Camp, 2010). Another way of wording this is that I “triangled” my teammate (Camp, 2010). What does this mean? Instead of going to the source when I had a problem, I vented to someone uninvolved. Why did I do this?
Crucial conversations
Rewind – I love self-help books and personality tests. Last night as I read Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al., 2012), I excitedly answered the true-false questions in Chapter Four to determine my Style Under Stress (pp. 64-67). Truthfully, I had an idea and was hardly surprised when I scored high in all of the “silence” behaviors and in “controlling” under the “violence” behaviors. However, when I looked at my Dialogue Skills Assessment results, I was surprised to see that I didn’t mark any of the boxes in Chapter Six: Master My Stories (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 69).
Chapter Six and the Feeling Good Handbook
Why was I surprised? You see, Chapter Six is all about mastering your stories. In fact, Figure 6-2 shows The Path to Action, which is a typical Cognitive Behavior Therapy tool to help someone analyze and assess their actions and break the cycle of rumination.
As Patterson et al., put it, “If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us” (2012, p. 111). I first learned of CBT from The Feeling Good Handbook (Burns, 2020) back in 2013 when I started my therapy journey. CBT involves the same concepts described in Chapter Six – retrace your path. When you notice a feeling, you are supposed to think about the story you’re telling yourself that caused that feeling. Then, review the facts, or what triggered the storytelling in the first place.
“How could I still need so much help in telling my story if I intentionally work at it so often?” I wondered. I think I might revisit my growth mindset blogs, as I hear some fixed mindset thinking popping up.
As soon as I said the words, I wished I could take them back.
Fast forward again. Why did I turn up my earbuds, mumble passive-aggressively, and snap about the noise in the office? Because I didn’t Master My Story. If I retrace my steps, the story I was telling myself was that my team didn’t respect me as much as they respected each other and that I wasn’t important enough to “tone it down” for. The facts were that my team was boisterous after another teammate got off of a call. Also, it was noon, so it was lunchtime. Meanwhile, I had forgotten to take my medicine and I wasn’t expressing my needs.
My teammate suggested that I was valid in my feelings. Then, she said, “You always empower me to take charge. I want to empower you to express your needs.” I told her, “Thank you. What I need right now is to go home, take my medicine, and accept personal responsibility for my part in this.” When I got back to the office, I messaged my teammates and took responsibility for my behavior. I didn’t tell them the story I was making up, however, I did tell them that I would work on expressing my needs.
Because in the end, we’re all going to face anxiety in leadership. It’s how you respond when you notice that defines you as a leader.
References
Burns, D. D. (2020). The Feeling Good Handbook: The Groundbreaking Program with Powerful New Techniques and Step-By-Step Exercises to Overcome Depression, Conquer Anxiety, and Enjoy Greater Intimacy. Penguin Publishing Group.
Camp, J. (2010, November 10). Friedman’s Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple. YouTube. Retrieved March 1, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Switzler, A., & McMillan, R. (2012). Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition. McGraw-Hill Education.