“If everyone were a better listener, respecting what each other has to say, what a difference that would make for each person.”
Michelle Gilbert (Knight, 2015, p. 52)
I struggle to feel heard.
I belong to a leadership cohort in my district called Future Ready Leadership Academy. In FRLA, we were tasked with reading a leadership book and sharing it with a small group. I chose a book called Better Conversations (Knight, 2015). Why? Too often, I interacted with leaders who lacked effective communication skills. It didn’t surprise me when I read that a Gallup 2013 Survey question – At work, do my opinions seem to count? – placed teachers at the bottom of the list (Knight, 2015). That is, teachers feel their opinions are less valued than all blue-collar, service, and healthcare workers. No wonder I struggled to feel heard!
Feeling heard means listening?
As I dug into Better Conversations (Knight, 2015) the first habit wasn’t about being heard at all. Rather, it was about listening with empathy. Really? Listening in order to feel heard? This chapter started to help me consider whether I was truly a good listener.
You see, I’ve never been one to shy away from a difficult conversation. When I first started working in GCISD, I had to take the Gallup Strengths Finder and my greatest strength is Empathy. I am great at feeling out the “vibe” in the room, encouraging people to express their feelings, and encouraging deep conversations.
Yet I definitely still worry more about being HEARD than about how well I am listening.
Becoming the master of my stories.
I think this is where crucial conversations come into play. I may be good at listening, but how well do I listen when the stakes are high? In my post Don’t Be a Virus: Master Your Story (2022), I tell a story about an experience where I didn’t communicate my needs. I talk about the story I was telling myself and how, in spite of working so hard with Cognitive Behavior Therapy over the years, I still struggle with the stories I make up in my head. Why don’t I feel heard? Simple – I still struggle listening to myself, especially when the stakes are high. I also recognize that Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al., 2012) offers a path to improving the habits mentioned in Better Conversations (Knight, 2015). Namely, using those empathy skills to provide me the attention I’m looking for.
A brief summary of Crucial Conversations.
Are you having those crucial conversations?
When I notice a conversation with varied opinions, strong emotions, or high stakes, I work to use my crucial conversation muscles. For example, when a peer recently pushed against a process I created, I kept it factual. She continued to push against the process. I responded by focusing on what I wanted – a clear process AND mutual respect. I also created a mutual purpose. When she criticized the process, I explored her path and we agreed on a better workflow. I was proud of myself and we now had a better understanding of a ticketing workflow.
Do you have the strength of confidence to go down that path?
You know what? I don’t have the strength… YET. I will use crucial conversations and my Growth Mindset plan to continue to build my confidence as a leader.
Are you using the crucial conversation tools to build a strategy?
For now, my focus is to practice mastering my stories during crucial conversations. Specifically, when I notice hurt, anger, or sadness, I will pay attention. That is, I will retrace my Path to Action:
I will pause, take a breath, and ask myself the questions in Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al., 2012, 112):
- “Am I in some form of silence or violence?”
- “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”
- “What story is creating these emotions?”
- “What evidence do I have to support this story?”
With practice, I can improve the way I am listening to myself during crucial conversations.
Discover the answers from within.
“All the wonders you seek are within yourself.”
Sir Thomas Browne
Through trials and tribulations over the course of my life, I have learned I can turn inward for every answer I seek. As I take steps toward a leadership role, I realize that this still rings true. Whether I’m practicing empathy, listening, or flexing crucial conversation muscles, I need to trust myself to lead. As soon as I do my confidence will shine forth to light the way for others.
References
Clifton Strengths. (2018). Your CliftonStrengths 34 Results. Gallup, Inc.
Knight, J. (2015). Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected. SAGE Publications.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Switzler, A., & McMillan, R. (2012). Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition. McGraw-Hill Education.
Stateler, K. (2022, March 2). Don’t Be a Virus: Master Your Story. Cookies N Cache. https://karinstateler.com/?p=712